If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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