....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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