Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize