Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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