Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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