I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
