Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
