Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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