She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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