went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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