One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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