I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
