He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
