He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
