I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just blew my weed a kiss
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
