it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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