are you still at the devil's house?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
