someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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