The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
