man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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