I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
