So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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