I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
