Your face is a jimmy john
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
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