i love accidental penises.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
