I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
foreskin is a definite game changer
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
