yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
