I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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