Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
