um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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