This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
