I just threw up on my dentist
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
