I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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