is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
