well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
