Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
