Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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