this boner is exhausting
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
