Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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