there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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