Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
