if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
