I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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