Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I need a burrito and a hug.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i believe in u and ur pee
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
