You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
