I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
