He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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