We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
