i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
