Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
