her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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