First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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