somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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