im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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