Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
